Sunday, September 09, 2007

Confessions of an Ex-Con: Doing hard time

Got you attention did it? No, not ex-convict, ex-convulser (yes there is a good chance I made that word up.) It's with a very excited and grateful heart that I say I have been 5.5 months seizure free. On Friday I saw my Neurologist to get the last check over to get the okay to drive again. The appointment went well and the insurance company is filling out the paperwork and sending it in to DMV who I am hoping will soon notify me that my license has been reinstated and there is nothing more I need to do (one can hope!). It would be so good to be behind the wheel again.
I'll admit it felt pretty fantastic to see a doctor because I am well instead of because I am sick! It has caused me to really take a look back at the 4.5 years I've had while having so many seizures, lived with a lot of pain, having surgeries, seeing doctor after doctor (some of them not so kind), constant migraines, not being able to take care of our children or even myself. There were some really rough times. I used to lay in bed (oh, I forgot to add insomnia) while every else was asleep and pray begging God to please heal me or take me home but PLEASE do not leave me alive to live everyday this way. My doctors had me taking so many drugs that I do not even remember some days (maybe this was actually a gift?). Not only was it a miserable existence but I felt as if I was nothing but a drain on my family and friends and I had become totally useless. There have been so many times when I would cry and cry because of either the pain or the humiliation of convulsing in public places.

Now that I am doing better then I could have ever thought to hope for I can look back on those days and see what's come of them. During that time I had the most amazing friendships I've ever had. Jim and I grew strong spiritually and laid a strong foundation of faith for our family (even if it didn't always feel like it at the time), God opened my eyes to my pride and my desire to do things in the flesh. One day after having convulsions at an appointment at the hospital I was able to share my faith with a nurse who was struggling with a lot of hardships in her life. I left the hospital praising God and thanking Him for every seizure I had ever had because if it did nothing more then lead to that moment it was all worth it. I could go on and on. I've learned and changed so much and I know that so much of it had to do with being results in my life because of such a hard time.

So many of our greatest gifts have come from our hardest times in life. One that comes quickly to mind is how Jim was totally unexpectedly laid off right before our home study when we started our adoption process. Since I home schooled and my health was bad I stayed home and could not have worked outside of the home if I had wanted to (I did get a job but had to let it go when I realized my many seizures would not allow it). Because of that lay off, that had at the time been so stressful, we were able to move back to CA. Jim has a fantastic job, works way less hours then he did before, and has some exciting opportunities. They also have great adoption assistance program. It has been a wonderful change for us but would not have happened without the lay off.

Finally: here we are in the "hard" times of the adoption. What we thought would take 6-9 months (or less because of Lovenie's disabilities) has now taken 2.5 years and counting. So much has happened during this wait. Our family has continued to be blessed with more children that we may not have known about if the adoption was quick. We have made close friendships with people all around the world who are also waiting for their children. And at some point it will bless us with children that we could not imagine our lives without.

There will be hard times in all our lives. What I have begun to notice is how much good can come from those times. I can honestly look back at them and say "Thank you God for allowing the seizures and the pain in my life." "Thank you for allowing Jim to lose his job at what seemed to be the worst possible time." "Thank you for causing our adoption process to not be what we thought or wanted it to be because we know that from this also you will bring us joy and blessings beyond anything we can imagine while going through it." I can't imagine going through lifes hardships without God at your side making it all for the good for those who love Him.


Ken and Alex Henderson said...

You are such an inspiration!! Thank you for your transparent and honest posts! I am always encouraged when I read your blog. I had lost the link.. again... another computer crash.. but Ange posted it on her blog today so I have it again. Woo hoo!!

Lisa said...

Angela - Congratulations! How awesome that you can see the good out of all that you've been through. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those ho love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28. Thanks for the encouragement today!