Friday, May 09, 2008

If I am THIS blessed, why can't I stop crying?

Early this morning the waterworks started and try as I might I just can't seem to turn it off! How I would love to just "snap out of it" and focus on all my blessings~ and those blessing are so very great. I sincerely believe that I may be one of the most blessed women of all time! With Mother's day approaching it is a time to celebrate the Mothers in our lives. What an exceptional one I have. I can't imagine having a better Mom. My life is so much fuller because God has given me her. As an adult she has become both Mother and best friend to me. I know many friends who no longer have their Moms here with them and I pray for each of you as I know how painful Mothers day must be without them. I can't imagine life without my Mom. So for Mother's day I can truly celebrate one of the greatest gifts in my life. I also have received a second Mom in my Mother In-law. She has raised 5 children (including the greatest Man I've ever known!) and has so much I can learn from her. I respect her and have grown to love her very much over the years. She may not know it, and I may not tell her in ways that I should, but my life is richer to have her as a second Mom.

Now that I am a Mother it has also become a special day for me. My family showers me with more love then one Mom could ever deserve or earn every day, but Mother's day I am especially spoiled. I have a husband that is a father unlike any I've ever known (although my father is pretty fantastic also!). He's quick to jump in and help with the children and home, and so kind and loving to our children. Then there is my children~ they are more wonderful then a mother could hope for! I am truly blessed beyond anything I could have ever even thought to ask for!

So... Why can't I stop crying? How can I explain this gut wrenching pain I am feeling? I know many won't understand, but I thought I would get this out and maybe it will help to lessen the flood of waterworks....

I am missing (no, missing isn't even the word for it) our children in Haiti more then I've maybe ever missed them before. There is something about the thought of celebrating Mother's Day that just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I always end up in tears on their birthdays and Mother's day.. but this one seems to be far worse then times in the past. I think part of it is knowing that we had so totally hoped that we would be in Haiti or have our kids home this Mother's day. Instead.. we have had no news at all. We are also coming up on 1 year since I have seen them. I have had opportunities to go and be with them in the past and passed them up with the whole hearted belief that they would be coming home soon. How sick I am of saying "any day now" and truly believing and hoping in it. I am overwhelmed by homesickness for them. I have such a God given love for them that it is the same thing as someone coming to our home... taking Kyle, Johnny, and Luke from us, taking them to another country, and having no idea of when they will be able to come home to us. I know that waiting Moms separated from their adopted children know what I am talking about but I imagine it is a pain that any Mom could relate to. Will our children in Haiti ever really know how much I love them? Will they know that having holidays (and every day, really) without them was not "no big deal" to me? Will they ever know that I ached for them so much that I cried until I threw up?

I know... Shake it off. Concentrate on all the many blessings I do have. Focus on honoring my Mothers and fully being here for my children. I KNOW all these things already. Now can someone please tell it to my heart and watery eyes?

Okay, so that is the truth about how I am feeling. It's not pretty. It's not cheery. It just is what it is. I wouldn't turn down prayers right now and want my friends to know that I understand the pain so many of them are feeling also and praying for you as well!


Anonymous said...

Oh Angela... if I lived close enough to take you out to lunch, do you think we would leave feeling better or worse? I am right there with you. I cannot believe it was almost a year ago when I met the kids. I can't believe our adoption has been legally finalized since February 2007 and the kids are still in Haiti ~ missing my babies too!

Angela said...

I know you are. I'm specifically praying for you and thought of you when I mentioned those who are going through the same thing.

I think the lunch would do us some good. Do you remember our last night in Haiti after saying goodbye to our kids? Just hours before there was not a dry eye in our group but there was so much peace and strength during that meal, knowing we all felt the same thing.

With prayers for your family to be together, much love,

Beka said...

You will continue to be in my prayers, Angela. I haven't been posting because I have been so distraught I haven't known what to say. Our visas were denied for the twins and my life has been filled with pain and a void that is hard to describe. Just know I understand the pain and pray that God will lift you up.

The Haiti Lady said...

I think sometimes we cry because we are so blessed.
I PROMISE, this wil be the LAST Mother's Day without your kids....ok...I know it is all in God's hnads, but I can hope can't I??
Love ya,

The Haiti Lady said...

WHy were the Visa's denied for the twins Beka???
LeAnne The Haiti Lady

Aimee said...

Angela ~ I am praying for you!! May God comfort you this weekend as you spend this special time without all of you children by your side. I pray God will give you very special moments with all of your children to make up for the moments you have missed. I know He has given me special times with my girls in the short time they have been home. I am praying He will do the same for you. I love you! Aimee

Rose Anne said...

I can't imagine waiting as long as you have to bring your children home! I thought I would die when I had too leave Saul at 10 months old it was all I could do not to pack him in my carryon!
Praying that God will grant you peace. And that your babies are home soon!!!
God Bless,
Rose Anne

shakenbsis said...

Oh Lord, I am sooo with you today! =(

I'm bawling like a baby as I read your blog. I jsut started writing down my own story and feeling pretty distraught.

Coming over here almost feels like coming home. I don't know any of you, but it seems I 'know' you all.

Thanks for the cry...

shakenbsis said...

ps: my personal blog is
the adoption one is

Me said...

Just found your blog and can relate so much to this post.

Hang in there! I hope you get some good news soon.

Laurie said...


My heart goes out to you & all the other Mom's still waiting. The wait does get unbearable but hopefully you will have your kids home soon.

Hugs, Laurie